Setting boundaries is fundamental to building healthy relationships. We probably all agree on this, but we may have different ideas about what boundaries are and how to set them. This week, I want to discuss some pitfalls of setting boundaries and then offer some alternatives and other tips of the art of boundary setting.
A boundary separates one person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions from another’s. In other words, it defines where you leave off and I begin. Different kinds of relationships have different boundaries.
Boundaries fall along a spectrum:
- Enmeshed: too close, ill-defined
- Health: clear, appropriate, comfortable
- Rigid: too far apart, inflexible
Pitfalls of Boundary Setting
Pitfall #1:
Trying to change someone else’s behavior.
- In reality, we set boundaries by changing our actions, not coercing or manipulating others.
Pitfall #2:
Using words to set a boundary.
- Actions set boundaries, not words. Oral demands lead to power struggles.
For example, if while playing a boardgame, a child cheats, asking the child to change her behavior crosses boundaries and doesn’t work. Instead, put the game away, and do something else.
The Art of Boundary Setting is you teach people how to treat you – with your actions (not your words).
- You are always doing this.
- It’s best to set boundaries early (the sooner, the better).
- It’s easier to relax firm boundaries then tighten flexible/unclear ones.
Contact Individual Matters today if you want to learn the art of boundary setting.
-Dr. Katen
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