Structured Free-Play: Getting the Most Out of Your Summer
The arrival of summer promises a significant increase in unstructured time for our children. In many ways, this is a good thing. Unstructured time encourages creativity, decision-making, self-regulation, builds resilience, and provides an opportunity to “let off steam.” It also supports sensory integration through neuro-motor development. 
According to one study, children who spent more time in less structured activities displayed better self-directed control and executive functioning than kids in primarily adult-organized or -directed activities (such as sports, art class, parent-led playdates, etc.). Although I cannot help but wonder if the children in the study who spent more time in less structured activities, were inherently better at self-direction and self-management (it’s the old chicken or the egg debate)…
While unstructured play has it’s benefits, at the same time, unstructured and unsupervised hours/days can quickly turn into free-for-alls that stress out parents and lead to unsafe or unhealthy behaviors in kids. If left to their own devices, many children might choose to eat candy for breakfast and dinner, play video games all day (and night), forget to change their underwear, “redecorate” the living room walls, and leave the dog to fend for itself.
So, what is a reasonable middle ground between control and chaos? The answer is: Structured Free Play.
Free play does not have to mean a free-for-all! A pet analogy may be helpful here. When your dog needs exercise, you likely do not open the front door and let them run free. Instead, you may take your dog to the dog park, where they are fenced, surrounded by their peers, and have access to all the items they need to play. This activity also includes time limitations and passive supervision (not control). The result is a safe and appropriate environment that allows dogs freedom to fulfill their physical, emotional, and cognitive needs. If the environment becomes unsafe or your dog cannot handle it, then you move toward a smaller more manageable space with carefully chosen “peers” and toys.
Structured Free Play offers a reasonable middle ground between control and chaos.
Similarly, kids need time and space to develop skills related to self-direction, decision-making, creativity, self-management, and an array of other executive functioning skills…and such skills are best fostered within a developmentally appropriate environment that strikes a balance between structure and self-directed play.
This summer, I invite you to integrate structured free play into your schedule. Yes, it takes more pre-planning on the part of the adult, but the results are worth it!
To help decide whether an activity strikes that balance between adult-lead and free for-all, you might ask yourself:
- Does it provide me with an opportunity to supervise but not directly lead and guide the activity? (Similar to a lifeguard at the pool)?
- Does it allow me to detach from the outcome (aside from physical safety)?
- Are the parameters and behavioral/safety considerations clearly outlined in advanced and within the child’s ability (developmental level) to follow without constant redirection?
Here are some examples of structured free play:
- Rotating stations with open-ended activities
- Playing at the pool or beach
- Going to the outdoor park, a waterpark, or the trampoline park
- Going to a (children’s) museum
- Scavenger hunts (created and completed by kids)
- Parallel play (reading, painting, puzzles, cloud gazing)
- Child-lead games and boardgames
- Child-lead hike/nature exploration
- Crafting and open-ended art projects
- Independent play time (free from screens) in the child’s room, playroom, or backyard.
A few final points to keep in mind:
- Scaffold your child’s free play success by scheduling it into the day or summer schedule.
- Keep in mind that if this approach is new to your kids (or you), there may be an adjustment period. Anxiety-based behavior typically means your approach is working, and that the child is learning new skills.
- If the child cannot handle the activity, look to provide increased structure and pre-planning at the onset. In other words, shrink the space, reduce options, and carefully handpick participants. You will know you have struck the right balance when the child is successful in directing his/her focus in an appropriate manner and you have detached from the outcome. The key is to resist the urge to direct his/her focus and play.
For less stress and more fun, give structured free play a try this summer! If you’re up for a real challenge, create space for your own structured fee play! Sometimes adults struggle more with free time than kids!
Hope you have a fabulous summer!
-Dr. Katen
©2023 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
Individual Matters® is a registered trademark of Individual Matters, LLC.
- Published in Behavior Management, Development, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Successful Living
Stress is No Laughing Matter… Or is it?
While stress affects the whole person negatively, laughter affects the whole person positively! The old saying really is true, laughter is the best medicine!
Image from the New York Post
Depending on the study, kids laughs somewhere between 300-400 times per day. In stark contrast, the average adult laughs only 4-17 times per day! How sad is that?! This is especially sad because laughter has seriously awesome (and scientifically documented) short- and long-term benefits for the mind, body and spirit!
To help put some chuckles back in your life, here is a link to a video that will guided you in a short but effective yoga session.
However, this is not the kind of yoga you are used to!
Please take a minute to click on the link and follow along. Don’t just watch the clip…participate and follow along! I promise you it is worth it! Who knows, you just may find yourself smiling, or even better, laughing! Feel free to share with your students, family, and friends. When groups or families complete the session together, it really gets the laughter juices flowing!
-Dr. Katen
©2023 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
Individual Matters® is a registered trademark of Individual Matters, LLC.
- Published in Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Successful Living
Stress
Stress is the body’s response to the demands of a situation. More accurately, stress is the body’s response to one’s thoughts and perceptions about the demands of a situation.
Stress is the body’s response to the demands of a situation.
Stress can be beneficial or harmful. A beneficial stress is the kind that we experience when excited. Beneficial stress can help improve performance and allow us to quickly and effectively react to a real threat.
But what if the threat is not real? What if it exists only in our minds as a result of faulty thinking patterns? Known as automatic fear thoughts, these may arise unconsciously in response to certain situations or stimuli, even when a true threat does not exist. This type of stress is harmful.
Most automatic fear thoughts, which result in harmful stress, actually boil down to one inner belief: “I am not enough.” This one, little but powerful, statement from the inner critic is often out of our awareness and so automatic that we do not even know it’s there. Over time, its influence grows. It is responsible for causing chronic stress responses even when there is no real danger. This chronic stress response then reeks havoc on our entire bodies, including our musculoskeletal system (aches, pains, tension, headaches, etc.), respiratory system (shortness of breath, panic attacks, asthma, etc.), endocrine system (immunity, illness, mood swings, weight gain/loss), nervous system (sleep, mood, headache, anxiety, depression), cardiovascular system (high blood pressure, heart health, etc.), and GI system (nausea, ulcers, stomach aches, eating problems, constipation, etc.).
In addition to affecting the physical body, prolonged stress—even when mild, and based on false beliefs – can also wreak havoc on our work performance, school performance, relationships, spiritual connection, and nearly every aspect of our lives.
Given that stress is caused by thoughts, impacts every system of the physical body, and seeps into social, emotional, and spiritual living, it makes sense that combating the effects requires a whole-person approach. To effectively deal with stress, we must give intention to our thoughts, our beliefs, our bodies, our relationships, and our spirituality.
Here is a challenge for you. Over the next week, when you notice that you are feeling stress, take a moment to check in with your whole self. What do you notice about your physical body? About your feelings and automatic negative self-talk? What are your needs for spiritual and social connection? How are you treating others in that moment of stress?
In my next post (“Stress is no laughing matter…Or is it?”), I’ll share some tips and strategies for managing stress.
-Dr. Katen
©2023 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
Individual Matters® is a registered trademark of Individual Matters, LLC.
- Published in Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Managing Stress, Successful Living
The Power of Boredom
“I’m bored.” We’ve all heard this complaint from children. What do these words mean, and what’s a helpful response?
The causes of boredom in children are many and diverse, ranging from low interest in a particular activity or subject, high energy (without knowing where to direct it), perceived lack of control in an adult-driven world, desire for novelty, anxiety, feeling under/over challenged, and attention and learning problems. While it’s no surprise that under-stimulation can lead to boredom, so can schedules that are too full and busy. Another factor may be “screentime,” which has been linked to sleep deprivation, “trimming” of unused neural connections, and compulsive behavior driven by variable reinforcement (aka the “Vegas effect”).
Occasional boredom is not a bad thing.
But regardless of its cause, occasional boredom is not a bad thing. In fact, for children whose minds are developing, it may be especially healthy and rewarding.
For one thing, taking a break from an information-overloaded world may be beneficial to mental health. Also, being bored provides an opportunity to wonder and daydream – a sort of “call to adventure” that fosters curiosity and inspires new ideas. Studies have shown that daydreaming can lead to increased creativity by stimulating divergent or “outside the box” thinking. Finally, managing boredom may help children develop important executive functioning skills (planning, organization, focus, self-control). Rather than relying upon external stimuli to keep them occupied, they get an opportunity to explore their own interests, set personal “goals”, and experiment with ways to pursue them.
So, the next time your child says, “I’m bored,” just roll with it! Allow the child to be bored and see what happens. Yes, there may be a period of adjustment…but give them a chance to learn how to self-direct, to create, to daydream, and to explore possibilities!
-Dr. Katen
©2023 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
The Power of Suggestion
Words have power! The messages transmitted from a parent or teacher to a child become deeply embedded in the child’s beliefs. Essentially, words are hypnotic.
Words are hypnotic.
Hypnosis has a mysterious reputation, and one popular belief about it is entirely false: that it involves someone taking control over another’s mind. The reality is that hypnosis works only by the power of suggestion, and at no time does a hypnotized individual lose their free will. During hypnosis, an individual is eased into a state of mental receptiveness or suggestibility, and then a transformative verbal message is repeated. The goal is to program new ideas into the subconsciousness to change behavior.
The words we tell our children are hypnotic. Given their early development and the great trust they place in us as parents and teachers, children are already in a highly suggestive state. Therefore, we must be intentional with our messages. Do our words convey belief that they are good, smart, loving and capable? Or do we feed their subconscious minds with notions of naughtiness, laziness, and incompetence?
For example, halfway to school in the morning, a child says, “Oh no, I forgot my book!” As parents, we may reply: “Why are you always forgetting things? You don’t remember anything.” Or we can reply, “Well done, you remembered your book. You always remember.” Both are transformative messages conveyed in a vulnerable (suggestive) mental state. Which message would we like our children to encode?
The point to be made is simply the power of our words… As parents and teachers, we are like hypnotists, and with every statement to our children we are feeding their self-images and molding their subconscious. So be intentional with your message. Suggest only what you want the child to believe!
-Dr. Katen
©2023 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Behavior Management, Development, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Relationships, Successful Living, Teaching
The Power of Praise and Positive Reinforcement
Who doesn’t love to be recognized and praised for their accomplishments?
Genuine compliments and positive recognition improve our moods, inspire cooperation and hard work, and increase motivation. Why is this so?
Praise is contagious, builds confidence, and can inspire great things.
Scientific studies show that praise triggers the brain’s release of dopamine: a “feel good” neurotransmitter that is strongly associated with pleasure, reward, and motivation. Dopamine affects the entire body, from blood flow and digestion to memory and sleep. It also raises alertness and focus.
Here is an interesting fact: Even the anticipation of a reward raises dopamine levels. In other words, just the expectation of the feeling creates the same effect as experiencing it. Because praise feels good, people will repeat whatever action invited it. The desire for another dopamine release leads them to continue the behavior and habits that initially earned them the compliment. Thus, praise is an example of positive reinforcement – a technique for getting more of a desired behavior.
Here is another interesting fact: it’s not only those who receive praise that feel better. People who give praise also experience the feel-good effects! Sincere statements of admiration and approval benefit both the giver and receiver, making it an invaluable way to improve relationships and stimulate positive and friendly attitudes.
What we focus on, we often get more of. Praise is contagious, builds confidence, and can inspire great things. By pointing out the desired traits and the actions of others, you are guaranteed to get more of them! And along the way, you too, will feel it’s power!
When giving praise, keep in mind these six 6 tips:
1.Be sincere.
2.Be specific.
3.Be immediate.
4.Praise often.
5.Praise persistence, effort, originality, and creativity.
6.Praise to inspire.
Try these out, and as always — have fun!
Dr. Katen
- Published in Behavior Management, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Successful Living
Using Choices to Conquer the Battle of Wills
Most parents can think of a time (or many times) when they found themselves in a power struggle with their child or teen. One of the best ways to reduce these power struggles is to use choices with limits. Choices provide a sense of shared control and reduce the urge for children to grasp power wherever they can get it.
There are a few critical guidelines to ensure choices work effectively:
- Only give two choices you can live with: Do you want broccoli or carrots? Not: Do you want chocolate cake for breakfast or fruit?
Choices help diffuse the “battle of wills.”
- Avoid open-ended choices. There must be only two predetermined options: Not: What do you want for dinner? Not: “What vegetable do you want?” If the child does not choose, then you choose for him/her: “OK, carrots it is!”
- There is always an implied or unspoken request that is not a choice: You are requesting the child eat a vegetable. The choice is which one.
- Practice giving two choices throughout the day when things are going well. Make lots of choice “deposits” so you may later make a “withdrawal:” Would you like milk or water? Red cup or blue cup? Straw or no straw? Ice or no ice?
- Keep the choices age and developmentally appropriate: Children do not choose when lunch time is. They only choose if they want carrots or broccoli.
- Choices are not threats: Don’t say: Do you want to eat your carrots or go to timeout? Don’t say: “Do you want to do what I say or be grounded?”
- Give two options for all things that do not cause a problem for you. Even if the choice seems small…a little shared control goes a long way. Here are some examples: Would like to put on your PJ’s first or brush your teeth first? Would you like to set the table or take out the trash? Are you going to mow the lawn or pay someone to do it? Would you like your nightlight on or off? Radio on or off? Bedtime story or song? Blanket or sheet? Would you like to take a bath or shower? Red spoon or blue spoon? Before you take the family car, do you want to pay for the insurance deductible in one lump sum or three payments? Cash or check?
- Have fun with it. You will be surprised by how quickly giving two choices becomes just the way you communicate with your child (and maybe others in your life, too).
I have to admit I am always surprised how well this works, especially with the most strong-willed kids. And fortunately, if you forget to give a choice and find yourself in a battle of wills, you can always stop mid-battle and give a choice. Even more important than reducing power struggles, choices prepare kids for the real world. It teaches them to make decisions in their own lives and own the consequences (good or bad). Giving kids choices also sends the message that you believe they are capable of making good decisions for themselves – that’s a powerful message!
-Dr. Katen
©2022 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Behavior Management, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting
Tickling Rats
A group of scientists in Germany discovered that rats can be tickled and that they enjoy it. When tickled, the rats give off a high-pitched chirping/squeaking sound that can be heard through use of a special microphone. Their behavior and neuron activity also indicates they dig this activity.
Even more surprising, the studies revealed that the mood of the scientists affected the rats’ responses to being tickled. If a scientist was in a bad mood, the rats did not respond with the same enthusiasm.
If a scientist’s mood affects how much a rat enjoys being tickled, just imagine the impact our mood as teachers and parents on students and their learning!
If a scientist’s mood affects how much a rat enjoys being tickled, just imagine the impact our mood as teachers and parents on students and their learning!
Research has shown that emotions and moods are as contagious as cold germs! The scientific term for this phenomenon is emotional contagion (EC). Emotional Contagion is when one person’s emotions transfer to another. Anger, sadness, fear, enthusiasm, and joy are all highly contagious!
The takeaway is that your mood matters… So make it a good one! But how?
Here are for five ways to improve your mood in under 3 minutes… All you need is a mirror, a pencil, and your favorite dance song! Give them a try and see how you feel!
1. Strike the Superman Power Pose
Stand with your fists on your hips, chest out, and looking out. Hold the pose for 2-3 minutes. This pose reportedly lowers cortisol and reduces stressful feelings.
The Superman Pose
2. Heartfelt Gratitude
Put your hands over your heart, close your eyes, and think of 10 things for which you are grateful and appreciate.
3. Mirror Talk
Look at yourself in the mirror, gaze deep into your own eyes, smile, and say, “I love you, [your name]. I really, really love you.”
4. Hold a Pencil in Your Teeth
Hold a pencil with the back of your teeth for 3 minutes. This activates your smile muscles and tricks your brain into thinking you are smiling and must, therefore, be happy.
5. Dance
Put on your favorite dance song and dance like nobody is watching!
-Dr. Katen
©2022 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Behavior Management, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Relationships, Successful Living
Kids Stop Asking Questions
Young children ask hundreds of questions every day. Research suggests that by adolescence, the number of questions per day drops to about three. There are lots of ideas about why this decline occurs, including both reasons of nature (i.e., natural development) and nurture (learned behavior and life experiences). Nonetheless, it happens… Kids stop asking questions as they grow older.
A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer.” – Unknown
Will I ever run out of questions?
In this post, we continue with the topic of self-advocacy by exploring several ways to encourage kids of all ages to keep asking questions:
- Modify your own responses. Intentionally reply in ways that create a safe space for more questions. Try not to answer with a quick “No!” or with dismissive statements such as “Look it up” or “Go figure it out.” Instead, respond with reinforcing statements such as: “Great question!” or “Tell me more about what you are thinking” or “That’s interesting, what made you think of that?” or “You ask great questions.” If the child answers and then asks if they are correct, avoid replying with a simple “yes” or “no.” Instead, consider saying, “Let’s take a look…show me your thought process” or “That is not quite right, let’s look again” or “I love that you are checking in” or “that is not quite right…let me help…what questions do you have… Let’s see if we can figure out where you got off track.”
- Help your child see themselves as good at asking questions. Positive and prescriptive statements such as “You are such a thinker” or “I love how your mind works” or “You are so curious and ask such great questions!” are highly reinforcing and will increase the likelihood that your child will ask more questions. You probably recall from previous articles that our words inform our children’s beliefs about themselves. Tell them they are good at asking questions, and they will see themselves as having good questions to ask.
- Avoid answering questions for your child. Instead, respond with statements or questions that facilitate thinking, problem-solving, and further contemplation. Imagine that you and your child are playing volleyball with a giant beach ball. When the child asks a question, gently volley the “ball” back into their court. Be sure your volley is supportive and not dismissive. If you know the answer, consider responding to part of the question, and then research the topic further with your child. For example, if the child asks why flamingo feathers are pink, you might reply, “Great question! I feel like it is either because of the bacteria in the water or because of what they eat…I can’t remember. Let’s find out.” Or “Oh, are you studying flamingos at school?” or “What got you thinking about pink feathers? Let’s google it…my computer or yours?”
- Give your undivided attention. Avoid multi-tasking or half-heartedly mumbling a response when a child asks a question. Your non-verbals are a strong reinforcer. Let the child know their questions really matter by using your eye contact, smile, gestures, and body posture. If you cannot stop what you are doing at the moment, be sure to circle around later when you can give your undivided attention. It is never too late to let them know how glad you are they asked and that you want to uncover the answer together.
- Play games that get your child asking questions to think. My favorite is The Answer Game. You think of a question (“What was my first childhood pet?”) and then give the answer, such as “a cat.” The child must figure out the question. You can play this game verbally or on paper. Encourage your child to ask as many types of questions until they figure out the question. You can add clues or respond with “hot/cold” responses to keep them going. Then reverse roles and have them give an answer and you model asking good questions. Another favorite is the 20 Questions Game. You probably recall from previous articles that children of ALL ages learn best through play.
- Model curiosity and vulnerability. Ask your child questions about their areas of interest and expertise. Model being vulnerable and asking all kinds of questions—even if they would be considered “stupid questions.” If your child is into LOL dolls, get curious about LOL dolls. If they are into football, get curious about football. If they are into poetry, get curious about poetry. If they like a certain show, get curious about that show. Model asking different kinds of questions to them (and in front of them). Early on, children learn that when an adult asks them a question, there is an expected response or a “right answer.” When we ask lots of questions, we are showing them that no one knows the answer to everything. We are modeling that it is okay not to know, and most importantly, it is okay to ask “stupid questions.” Essentially, we are teaching them that asking questions does not make you stupid. Rather, asking questions shows you are curious and makes you wise about many things.
-Dr. Katen
©2022 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Development, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Successful Living
The Power of Words
To build on the topic of self-advocating in the classroom, I thought this might be a good time to revisit the concept of The Power of Words.
What we say and how we say it greatly influences outcomes, relationships, and our own mental wellness. We can harness this power by being intentional and mindful about the words we choose. Being intentional with what we say and how we say it can promote confidence, happiness, and connection, all of which are key ingredients to learning and growing as human beings.
“Words are powerful, they have the ability to create a moment and the strength to destroy it.”
1. Script: Complement the student on doing what you want them to do even before they do it.
2. Notice: Catch them getting it right and tell them about it! For example, as you head out to recess, tell a student. “I really loved that you asked that question today in class.” “Thanks for speaking up in class today! I really like when you do that!”
3. Stack the Deck: Praise at a ratio of 10:1. Whether big or small, praise is powerful! Children crave positive affection and a sense of being loved. Praise is a powerful way to communicate you value and appreciate them.
4. Rewrite the Story: Change the narrative and the words to reflect what you want. When a student says, “Wait, what did you ask me to do?” Avoid saying, “Why weren’t you paying attention?” Instead say, “I like that you are checking back in.” or “Way to catch that you zoned out! I like that you are taking ownership of that!” or “Thanks for speaking up…there may have been other students who needed it repeated, too.” (of course, such statements may need to be said privately)
5. Speak the Alternative: Tell them what you want, not what you don’t want. Replace “Stop running” with “Walk next to me.” Replace “Stop talking” with “I am announcing your assignment, please listen.” Giving a student what to do, instead of what not to do increases compliance significantly. It also changes your own chemical and emotional state. For example, right now say “NO!” aloud. Notice how you feel. Now say “yes!” aloud. Notice how you feel. Your words not only impact others…your words affect your own mental state on the neurochemical level!
Give these a try! Pick one or two strategies to implement intentionally and consistently for one week. Hopefully, you will experience the magical power of words for not only nurturing your student’s mind but yours as well!
-Dr. Katen
©2022 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Relationships, Successful Living, Teaching