The Power of Suggestion
Words have power! The messages transmitted from a parent or teacher to a child become deeply embedded in the child’s beliefs. Essentially, words are hypnotic.
Words are hypnotic.
Hypnosis has a mysterious reputation, and one popular belief about it is entirely false: that it involves someone taking control over another’s mind. The reality is that hypnosis works only by the power of suggestion, and at no time does a hypnotized individual lose their free will. During hypnosis, an individual is eased into a state of mental receptiveness or suggestibility, and then a transformative verbal message is repeated. The goal is to program new ideas into the subconsciousness to change behavior.
The words we tell our children are hypnotic. Given their early development and the great trust they place in us as parents and teachers, children are already in a highly suggestive state. Therefore, we must be intentional with our messages. Do our words convey belief that they are good, smart, loving and capable? Or do we feed their subconscious minds with notions of naughtiness, laziness, and incompetence?
For example, halfway to school in the morning, a child says, “Oh no, I forgot my book!” As parents, we may reply: “Why are you always forgetting things? You don’t remember anything.” Or we can reply, “Well done, you remembered your book. You always remember.” Both are transformative messages conveyed in a vulnerable (suggestive) mental state. Which message would we like our children to encode?
The point to be made is simply the power of our words… As parents and teachers, we are like hypnotists, and with every statement to our children we are feeding their self-images and molding their subconscious. So be intentional with your message. Suggest only what you want the child to believe!
-Dr. Katen
©2023 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Behavior Management, Development, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Relationships, Successful Living, Teaching
Tickling Rats
A group of scientists in Germany discovered that rats can be tickled and that they enjoy it. When tickled, the rats give off a high-pitched chirping/squeaking sound that can be heard through use of a special microphone. Their behavior and neuron activity also indicates they dig this activity.
Even more surprising, the studies revealed that the mood of the scientists affected the rats’ responses to being tickled. If a scientist was in a bad mood, the rats did not respond with the same enthusiasm.
If a scientist’s mood affects how much a rat enjoys being tickled, just imagine the impact our mood as teachers and parents on students and their learning!
If a scientist’s mood affects how much a rat enjoys being tickled, just imagine the impact our mood as teachers and parents on students and their learning!
Research has shown that emotions and moods are as contagious as cold germs! The scientific term for this phenomenon is emotional contagion (EC). Emotional Contagion is when one person’s emotions transfer to another. Anger, sadness, fear, enthusiasm, and joy are all highly contagious!
The takeaway is that your mood matters… So make it a good one! But how?
Here are for five ways to improve your mood in under 3 minutes… All you need is a mirror, a pencil, and your favorite dance song! Give them a try and see how you feel!
1. Strike the Superman Power Pose
Stand with your fists on your hips, chest out, and looking out. Hold the pose for 2-3 minutes. This pose reportedly lowers cortisol and reduces stressful feelings.
The Superman Pose
2. Heartfelt Gratitude
Put your hands over your heart, close your eyes, and think of 10 things for which you are grateful and appreciate.
3. Mirror Talk
Look at yourself in the mirror, gaze deep into your own eyes, smile, and say, “I love you, [your name]. I really, really love you.”
4. Hold a Pencil in Your Teeth
Hold a pencil with the back of your teeth for 3 minutes. This activates your smile muscles and tricks your brain into thinking you are smiling and must, therefore, be happy.
5. Dance
Put on your favorite dance song and dance like nobody is watching!
-Dr. Katen
©2022 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Behavior Management, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Relationships, Successful Living
The Power of Words
To build on the topic of self-advocating in the classroom, I thought this might be a good time to revisit the concept of The Power of Words.
What we say and how we say it greatly influences outcomes, relationships, and our own mental wellness. We can harness this power by being intentional and mindful about the words we choose. Being intentional with what we say and how we say it can promote confidence, happiness, and connection, all of which are key ingredients to learning and growing as human beings.
“Words are powerful, they have the ability to create a moment and the strength to destroy it.”
1. Script: Complement the student on doing what you want them to do even before they do it.
2. Notice: Catch them getting it right and tell them about it! For example, as you head out to recess, tell a student. “I really loved that you asked that question today in class.” “Thanks for speaking up in class today! I really like when you do that!”
3. Stack the Deck: Praise at a ratio of 10:1. Whether big or small, praise is powerful! Children crave positive affection and a sense of being loved. Praise is a powerful way to communicate you value and appreciate them.
4. Rewrite the Story: Change the narrative and the words to reflect what you want. When a student says, “Wait, what did you ask me to do?” Avoid saying, “Why weren’t you paying attention?” Instead say, “I like that you are checking back in.” or “Way to catch that you zoned out! I like that you are taking ownership of that!” or “Thanks for speaking up…there may have been other students who needed it repeated, too.” (of course, such statements may need to be said privately)
5. Speak the Alternative: Tell them what you want, not what you don’t want. Replace “Stop running” with “Walk next to me.” Replace “Stop talking” with “I am announcing your assignment, please listen.” Giving a student what to do, instead of what not to do increases compliance significantly. It also changes your own chemical and emotional state. For example, right now say “NO!” aloud. Notice how you feel. Now say “yes!” aloud. Notice how you feel. Your words not only impact others…your words affect your own mental state on the neurochemical level!
Give these a try! Pick one or two strategies to implement intentionally and consistently for one week. Hopefully, you will experience the magical power of words for not only nurturing your student’s mind but yours as well!
-Dr. Katen
©2022 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Relationships, Successful Living, Teaching
Hellos and Goodbyes
Be intentional with your “hellos” and “goodbyes.”
Every day when I return home from work, my two adorable dogs jump around madly, wag their tails, and spin in circles until I pick them up and love on them. Then, when it is time to leave again in the morning, they walk me to the door and wag their tails goodbye.
Have you ever sat at the airport and watched family members excitedly greet their loved ones after a long trip or tearfully say goodbye as they head off to the gate? Do you remember the first time you dropped your child off at preschool, and then later that day when you picked them up? At drop off, maybe the hug lingered a bit longer, there were some tears, and their little hand waved in the window until they could no longer see your car driving away. Then at pick up, they ran to you bursting with excitement saying, “Mommy, mommy, mommy!” and you held out your arms ready to be reunited after 3 long hours apart!
As I reflect on such moments, I am reminded of the power of “hellos” and “goodbyes.” What if everywhere we went, greetings were traded with such genuine affection and love. And then, when it was time to part, hugs lasted a little longer and there was one more, “I love you.”
Life is busy. Wake up, eat breakfast, grab your bag, zip off to school, make it just in time…finish your day, head home, eat, go to practice, eat again, bathe, homework, bedtime, sleep…then it all starts again. It can be hard to connect and be present when life moves fast, when there are long to-do lists, early start times, and hard deadlines. However, no matter how busy the day, how crazy the schedule, or how stressful the week… when the ‘hellos’ and ‘goodbyes’ are solid, everything that happens in between can be managed.
This week’s challenge: Be intentional with your “hellos” and “goodbyes.” Greet your spouse like you used to when you first started dating. Say goodbye like they are leaving for a long trip. Drop off and pick up your child like you did on that first day of preschool…yes, even your middle schooler! Maybe don’t run at them with open arms and tears in your eyes…but be intentional. Be present. Be in the moment…even it it is just for a moment.
-Dr. Katen
©2021 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Relationships, Successful Living
Teaching Others How to Treat You: The Art of Boundary Setting
Setting boundaries is fundamental to building healthy relationships. We probably all agree on this but may have different ideas about what boundaries are and how to set them. This week, I want to discuss some pitfalls of setting boundaries, and then offer some alternatives and other tips.
A boundary separates one person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions from another person’s. In other words, it defines where you leave off, and I begin. Different kinds of relationships have different boundaries.
Boundaries fall along a spectrum:
Enmeshed Healthy Rigid
(too close, ill defined) (clear, appropriate, comfortable) (too far apart, inflexible)
1.Pitfall #1: Trying to change someone else’s behavior.
- In reality, we set boundaries by changing our own actions, not by coercing or manipulating others.
2.Pitfall #2: Using words to set a boundary.
- Actions set boundaries, not words. Oral demands lead to power struggles.
For example, if while playing a boardgame, a child cheats, asking the child to change her behavior crosses boundaries and doesn’t work. Instead, put the game away, and do something else.
You teach people how to treat you – with your actions (not your words).
- You are always doing this.
- It’s best to set boundaries early (the sooner, the better).
- It’s easier to relax firm boundaries then tighten flexible/unclear ones.
-Dr. Katen
©2021 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Relationships, Successful Living
Getting More Out of After-School Conversations
Ever ask your student, ”How was school?” and all you get is “I dunno” or “fine”? It has been my experience that both parents and kids/teens crave a more meaningful discussion but are not always sure how to make it happen. This week, I want to share 5 ways to connect with your student of any age:
1. Change the Way You Ask: Rather than asking, “How was your day?” try phrases like “I wonder if…” or “Tell me about…” or “What was something funny that happened today?” or “When did you laugh?” or “What was hard about today?” You can also get more specific, such as “Who did you sit by at lunch?” “What was for lunch?” Or “What was the topic in history class?
2.Model How to Connect: Share details about your day first. Describe a situation at work and how you responded. Share a funny story about your boss. Share a proud moment or achievement. Describe something you learned. Share what you had for lunch and who you sat next to.
“Every good conversation starts with good listening.” – Unknown
3.Create an Open and Receptive Atmosphere. Turn off the radio. Put the phone away. Talk less. Listen more. Embrace moments of silence. Genuinely pay attention to the response your student gives. Follow up on a previous bit of information to show you really care and do remember.
4.Fine Tune Your Active and Reflective Listening Skills: Don’t problem-solve. Don’t rescue. Don’t teach. Just listen. If you’re unsure how to respond, just try reflecting back what your student shared. For example: “That sounds frustrating.” Or “Seems like you put in a lot of effort.” Or “You sound sad.”
5.Routinely Use a Theme: When your child climbs in the car, during dinner, or at bedtime, consistently use the same theme to open up a discussion. One theme I use with clients is “Petals and Thorns.” A petal is something positive while a thorn is a disappointment, struggle, or challenge. You could also use successes and challenges, hits or misses, Thumbs up/Thumbs down, or any other variation of this theme. Consistently using the same conversation starter can help prompt topics and may get your student thinking about it even before you ask!
Try these out and see how they work. Practice patience – and remember that success takes time. All good communication starts with good listening.
-Dr. Katen
©2021 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Development, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Relationships, Successful Living