Teaching Others How to Treat You: The Art of Boundary Setting

Setting boundaries is fundamental to building healthy relationships. We probably all agree on this but may have different ideas about what boundaries are and how to set them. This week, I want to discuss some pitfalls of setting boundaries, and then offer some alternatives and other tips.

A boundary separates one person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions from another person’s. In other words, it defines where you leave off, and I begin. Different kinds of relationships have different boundaries.

Boundaries fall along a spectrum:

       Enmeshed                                    Healthy                                                    Rigid

(too close, ill defined)         (clear, appropriate, comfortable)              (too far apart, inflexible)

1.Pitfall #1:   Trying to change someone else’s behavior.

• In reality, we set boundaries by changing our own actions, not by coercing or manipulating others.

2.Pitfall #2:   Using words to set a boundary.

• Actions set boundaries, not words. Oral demands lead to power struggles.

For example, if while playing a boardgame, a child cheats, asking the child to change her behavior crosses boundaries and doesn’t work. Instead, put the game away, and do something else.

You teach people how to treat you – with your actions (not your words).

• You are always doing this.
• It’s best to set boundaries early (the sooner, the better).
• It’s easier to relax firm boundaries then tighten flexible/unclear ones.