Supporting Student Self-Advocacy: Five Simple Steps
In a previous post, I touched on the importance of self-advocacy and how to support students with developing this skill. By “self-advocacy,” I’m referring to a student’s ability to speak up for him/herself to get a need met or problem solved at school (versus promoting personal, personal, or religious ideas or beliefs to others). In terms of school and life success, self-advocacy is inseparable from personal responsibility.
“Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself.” – Unknown
Here are five simple steps for helping students develop self-advocacy skills for school:
- Discuss and define what it is. Make self-advocacy a regular part of classroom and home conversation. Adults can share ways they have (or have not) self-advocated in their education, jobs, and everyday lives.
- Validate, validate, validate. Sympathy and understanding are key when responding to a self-advocating individual. Critical or belittling reactions will shut down this process.
- Make a plan. How can a student ask for help, explanation, or permission? Is there a particularly “safe” teacher with which to begin practicing this skill? If so, communicate with them in advance. Rehearse the process at home. Then give it a try.
- Reinforce and review. How did the self-advocacy experience go? What worked and what didn’t? How did it feel before, during, and after? Compare notes with the teacher. Also, what positive reinforcement can teachers and parents implement to help sustain this behavior in the student?
- Return to step 1. Self-advocacy never stops. Successful individuals are continually evaluating their own strengths and weaknesses and responsibly communicating (not demanding or imposing) their needs to others.
Remember, self-advocacy is a skill. For mastery, it must be learned, practiced, and repeated!
-Dr. Katen
©2022 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Development, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Self Advocacy, Successful Living
A Feel-Good, Strengths-Based Focus on your Family Holiday Challenge!
Kids are awesome and amazing little creatures! Yet we adults often get so caught up in managing the everyday hussle, bustle, and stresses of busy lives (especially during the holidays) that we tend to get bogged down by the things that go “wrong.” As a result, we may lose sight of the positives, such as what our kids do well and what we love most about them. How often do we communicate to our children, with words and actions, how amazing, unique, and truly wonderful they are?
“Your words become their inner voice.” – Unknown
Let’s try a little exercise. Grab your phone or some scratch paper. Jot down the names of your kids, and under each name list the following:
- Your 3 favorite things about him/her.
- 2 things he/she is skilled at.
- 2 heart-warming or funny memories.
Now let’s reflect. Was this exercise easy for you, or did it force you to really dig deep? Were you smiling or laughing while you thought about your child? Does your child know that you appreciate all these things about him/her? If not, go tell ‘em!
If you already tell your kids what you love about them, keep it up! Everybody loves praise and compliments (although, ironically, most of us – and kids, especially –receive more criticism and correction). Our moods and feelings tend to follow our words and what we focus on. Feeling good is contagious. Positive feelings are central to building positive relationships, and positive relationships are the foundation of happy, healthy, and responsible kids.
Here is the Holiday Challenge:
Over the break, strive to remind your kids how awesome they are. Not only will doing so help them feel good, but this simple act of complimenting will also improve your mood and create a “ripple effect” through your family system.
In addition to your kids, you may also choose to make yourself, your spouse, or a “difficult” relative the focus of your positivity!
Hope you have a wonderful holiday season!
-Dr. Katen
©2021 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Behavior Management, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Successful Living
Hellos and Goodbyes
Be intentional with your “hellos” and “goodbyes.”
Every day when I return home from work, my two adorable dogs jump around madly, wag their tails, and spin in circles until I pick them up and love on them. Then, when it is time to leave again in the morning, they walk me to the door and wag their tails goodbye.
Have you ever sat at the airport and watched family members excitedly greet their loved ones after a long trip or tearfully say goodbye as they head off to the gate? Do you remember the first time you dropped your child off at preschool, and then later that day when you picked them up? At drop off, maybe the hug lingered a bit longer, there were some tears, and their little hand waved in the window until they could no longer see your car driving away. Then at pick up, they ran to you bursting with excitement saying, “Mommy, mommy, mommy!” and you held out your arms ready to be reunited after 3 long hours apart!
As I reflect on such moments, I am reminded of the power of “hellos” and “goodbyes.” What if everywhere we went, greetings were traded with such genuine affection and love. And then, when it was time to part, hugs lasted a little longer and there was one more, “I love you.”
Life is busy. Wake up, eat breakfast, grab your bag, zip off to school, make it just in time…finish your day, head home, eat, go to practice, eat again, bathe, homework, bedtime, sleep…then it all starts again. It can be hard to connect and be present when life moves fast, when there are long to-do lists, early start times, and hard deadlines. However, no matter how busy the day, how crazy the schedule, or how stressful the week… when the ‘hellos’ and ‘goodbyes’ are solid, everything that happens in between can be managed.
This week’s challenge: Be intentional with your “hellos” and “goodbyes.” Greet your spouse like you used to when you first started dating. Say goodbye like they are leaving for a long trip. Drop off and pick up your child like you did on that first day of preschool…yes, even your middle schooler! Maybe don’t run at them with open arms and tears in your eyes…but be intentional. Be present. Be in the moment…even it it is just for a moment.
-Dr. Katen
©2021 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Relationships, Successful Living
Boundaries and Behavior Management in the Classroom
- Published in Behavior Management, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Teaching
The Five Fundamentals to Behavior Management in the Classroom
- Published in Dr. Katen's Blog, Teaching
Five Fun Ways to Wrap Up the School Year and Kick Off Summer
School is out for summer! For some students this is a sentimental time, and for others the last day could not have arrived soon enough! Here are five fun activities that can help you and your students wrap up the school year and kick off summer!
1. Write a letter to your future self. Encourage your student to write a letter to their future self and seal it until the night before the first day of school next year. It could include some encouraging words, favorite quotes, a lesson learned, a poem, a drawing…you could create a summer fun list and see how many fun to-do’s you accomplished.
2. Create a deck of conversation cards with questions like: what was the most memorable moment this year? Who influenced you the most? What is one thing you would do differently? What was your proudest moment? A deck of conversation cards can stimulate discussion and connection. You could also complete the cards alone by journaling your answers.
3. Memory Collage of the year’s best, funniest, and most inspiring personal moments. This is a great way to wrap up the year and create a keepsake to look in the years to come.
4. Create a Sumer Vision Board. This is like the memory collage – but in reverse.
5. Pick a theme for your summer. Maybe you want to relax, get fit, connect with friends and family, have new experiences, be courageous, slow down, get mindful…you might even pick a theme song that captures the essence of what you want your summer to be. Maybe the family picks one to share or maybe each person has their own.
Hope you enjoy these ideas and have a wonderful and fulfilling summer!
-Dr. Katen
©2021 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Development, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Successful Living
Get SMART: Helping Students Achieve Goals
Setting and achieving a goal can be a powerful and life-changing experience for people of any age! A study in 2015 by Psychologist Gail Matthews showed that when people wrote down their goals, they were 33 percent more successful! One of the best ways to write out a goal is using the SMART Goals method. Any goal is more likely to be achieved if the goal itself first passes the SMART test:
Specific and Small: To pass the SMART test, the goal must be specific and small in scope. A goal that is too big, general, or too far out in the future can cause overwhelm and stress/anxiety. The key is to chunk bigger goals into smaller more specific ones.
Measurable: To pass the SMART test, there can be no ambiguity about what it means to achieve that goal. For example, to “be happy” or “be more outgoing” are not measurable goals. A SMART goal is either achieved or it is not. The action that drives the goal either happened or it did not.
Attainable and Achievable: To pass the SMART test, the goal must be reasonable and within the power/control of the student. For example, being selected to an NBA basketball team in 8th grade is not 1) achievable or 2) within total control of the student. In contrast, practicing basketball for 30 minutes every day is reasonable and within the control of the student.
Relevant: To pass the SMART test the goal must be relevant (or important) to the individual and connected to other life goals, interests, and objectives. If the goal is not relevant, then the motivation and purpose will be lost.
Timeframe with Start and End Date: To pass the SMART test, the goal must have a clean start and end date. Open or floating deadlines can spell disaster for any goal, project, or intention.
SMART goals don’t have to be school-related, and there’s never an inopportune moment to set them. Even during summer, students can set and achieve goals that are meaningful to their own interests and desires! Give it a try! And once your child sets and achieves the goal, don’t forget the most important part…to celebrate!
-Dr. Katen
©2021 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
Anger and Fear: What’s Really Going on with Your Child
How are fear and anger connected? This relationship is easily understood by way of “The Anger Iceberg” (a model developed by The Gottman Institute). Only 1/3 of an iceberg is visible above the water – a small peak that symbolizes ”anger.” The bulk of the iceberg hangs below the water – and this represents “fear.” Basically, anger is what we “see,” while fear lurks hidden beneath the surface.
Anger is what we “see,” but the primary emotion is fear.
When fear is triggered, the brain and body enter a “fight, flight, or freeze” state (aka survival mode). Anger represents the instinct to fight, serving as a protective factor by signifying strength and power. Imagine the tiny chihuahua who takes on the German Shepard by snarling, barking, and showing his canines. The chihuahua is trying to communicate strength and power to a perceived threat.
“The Anger Iceberg” reminds us that an angry child is a fearful child. So, next time your child (or you) is angry, try to look below the surface…what is the driving fear thought? Fear of not being good enough? Fear of rejection? Fear of looking stupid? Fear of not being loved?
Now that you know anger is driven by fear, you can respond in a supportive and solution-focused way without being pulled into an anger-fueled battle.
-Dr. Katen
©2021 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Development, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Successful Living
Teaching Others How to Treat You: The Art of Boundary Setting
Setting boundaries is fundamental to building healthy relationships. We probably all agree on this but may have different ideas about what boundaries are and how to set them. This week, I want to discuss some pitfalls of setting boundaries, and then offer some alternatives and other tips.
A boundary separates one person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions from another person’s. In other words, it defines where you leave off, and I begin. Different kinds of relationships have different boundaries.
Boundaries fall along a spectrum:
Enmeshed Healthy Rigid
(too close, ill defined) (clear, appropriate, comfortable) (too far apart, inflexible)
1.Pitfall #1: Trying to change someone else’s behavior.
- In reality, we set boundaries by changing our own actions, not by coercing or manipulating others.
2.Pitfall #2: Using words to set a boundary.
- Actions set boundaries, not words. Oral demands lead to power struggles.
For example, if while playing a boardgame, a child cheats, asking the child to change her behavior crosses boundaries and doesn’t work. Instead, put the game away, and do something else.
You teach people how to treat you – with your actions (not your words).
- You are always doing this.
- It’s best to set boundaries early (the sooner, the better).
- It’s easier to relax firm boundaries then tighten flexible/unclear ones.
-Dr. Katen
©2021 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Relationships, Successful Living
Getting More Out of After-School Conversations
Ever ask your student, ”How was school?” and all you get is “I dunno” or “fine”? It has been my experience that both parents and kids/teens crave a more meaningful discussion but are not always sure how to make it happen. This week, I want to share 5 ways to connect with your student of any age:
1. Change the Way You Ask: Rather than asking, “How was your day?” try phrases like “I wonder if…” or “Tell me about…” or “What was something funny that happened today?” or “When did you laugh?” or “What was hard about today?” You can also get more specific, such as “Who did you sit by at lunch?” “What was for lunch?” Or “What was the topic in history class?
2.Model How to Connect: Share details about your day first. Describe a situation at work and how you responded. Share a funny story about your boss. Share a proud moment or achievement. Describe something you learned. Share what you had for lunch and who you sat next to.
“Every good conversation starts with good listening.” – Unknown
3.Create an Open and Receptive Atmosphere. Turn off the radio. Put the phone away. Talk less. Listen more. Embrace moments of silence. Genuinely pay attention to the response your student gives. Follow up on a previous bit of information to show you really care and do remember.
4.Fine Tune Your Active and Reflective Listening Skills: Don’t problem-solve. Don’t rescue. Don’t teach. Just listen. If you’re unsure how to respond, just try reflecting back what your student shared. For example: “That sounds frustrating.” Or “Seems like you put in a lot of effort.” Or “You sound sad.”
5.Routinely Use a Theme: When your child climbs in the car, during dinner, or at bedtime, consistently use the same theme to open up a discussion. One theme I use with clients is “Petals and Thorns.” A petal is something positive while a thorn is a disappointment, struggle, or challenge. You could also use successes and challenges, hits or misses, Thumbs up/Thumbs down, or any other variation of this theme. Consistently using the same conversation starter can help prompt topics and may get your student thinking about it even before you ask!
Try these out and see how they work. Practice patience – and remember that success takes time. All good communication starts with good listening.
-Dr. Katen
©2021 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Development, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Relationships, Successful Living