Structured Free-Play: Getting the Most Out of Your Summer
The arrival of summer promises a significant increase in unstructured time for our children. In many ways, this is a good thing. Unstructured time encourages creativity, decision-making, self-regulation, builds resilience, and provides an opportunity to “let off steam.” It also supports sensory integration through neuro-motor development. 
According to one study, children who spent more time in less structured activities displayed better self-directed control and executive functioning than kids in primarily adult-organized or -directed activities (such as sports, art class, parent-led playdates, etc.). Although I cannot help but wonder if the children in the study who spent more time in less structured activities, were inherently better at self-direction and self-management (it’s the old chicken or the egg debate)…
While unstructured play has it’s benefits, at the same time, unstructured and unsupervised hours/days can quickly turn into free-for-alls that stress out parents and lead to unsafe or unhealthy behaviors in kids. If left to their own devices, many children might choose to eat candy for breakfast and dinner, play video games all day (and night), forget to change their underwear, “redecorate” the living room walls, and leave the dog to fend for itself.
So, what is a reasonable middle ground between control and chaos? The answer is: Structured Free Play.
Free play does not have to mean a free-for-all! A pet analogy may be helpful here. When your dog needs exercise, you likely do not open the front door and let them run free. Instead, you may take your dog to the dog park, where they are fenced, surrounded by their peers, and have access to all the items they need to play. This activity also includes time limitations and passive supervision (not control). The result is a safe and appropriate environment that allows dogs freedom to fulfill their physical, emotional, and cognitive needs. If the environment becomes unsafe or your dog cannot handle it, then you move toward a smaller more manageable space with carefully chosen “peers” and toys.
Structured Free Play offers a reasonable middle ground between control and chaos.
Similarly, kids need time and space to develop skills related to self-direction, decision-making, creativity, self-management, and an array of other executive functioning skills…and such skills are best fostered within a developmentally appropriate environment that strikes a balance between structure and self-directed play.
This summer, I invite you to integrate structured free play into your schedule. Yes, it takes more pre-planning on the part of the adult, but the results are worth it!
To help decide whether an activity strikes that balance between adult-lead and free for-all, you might ask yourself:
- Does it provide me with an opportunity to supervise but not directly lead and guide the activity? (Similar to a lifeguard at the pool)?
- Does it allow me to detach from the outcome (aside from physical safety)?
- Are the parameters and behavioral/safety considerations clearly outlined in advanced and within the child’s ability (developmental level) to follow without constant redirection?
Here are some examples of structured free play:
- Rotating stations with open-ended activities
- Playing at the pool or beach
- Going to the outdoor park, a waterpark, or the trampoline park
- Going to a (children’s) museum
- Scavenger hunts (created and completed by kids)
- Parallel play (reading, painting, puzzles, cloud gazing)
- Child-lead games and boardgames
- Child-lead hike/nature exploration
- Crafting and open-ended art projects
- Independent play time (free from screens) in the child’s room, playroom, or backyard.
A few final points to keep in mind:
- Scaffold your child’s free play success by scheduling it into the day or summer schedule.
- Keep in mind that if this approach is new to your kids (or you), there may be an adjustment period. Anxiety-based behavior typically means your approach is working, and that the child is learning new skills.
- If the child cannot handle the activity, look to provide increased structure and pre-planning at the onset. In other words, shrink the space, reduce options, and carefully handpick participants. You will know you have struck the right balance when the child is successful in directing his/her focus in an appropriate manner and you have detached from the outcome. The key is to resist the urge to direct his/her focus and play.
For less stress and more fun, give structured free play a try this summer! If you’re up for a real challenge, create space for your own structured fee play! Sometimes adults struggle more with free time than kids!
Hope you have a fabulous summer!
-Dr. Katen
©2023 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
Individual Matters® is a registered trademark of Individual Matters, LLC.
- Published in Behavior Management, Development, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Successful Living
The Power of Boredom
“I’m bored.” We’ve all heard this complaint from children. What do these words mean, and what’s a helpful response?
The causes of boredom in children are many and diverse, ranging from low interest in a particular activity or subject, high energy (without knowing where to direct it), perceived lack of control in an adult-driven world, desire for novelty, anxiety, feeling under/over challenged, and attention and learning problems. While it’s no surprise that under-stimulation can lead to boredom, so can schedules that are too full and busy. Another factor may be “screentime,” which has been linked to sleep deprivation, “trimming” of unused neural connections, and compulsive behavior driven by variable reinforcement (aka the “Vegas effect”).
Occasional boredom is not a bad thing.
But regardless of its cause, occasional boredom is not a bad thing. In fact, for children whose minds are developing, it may be especially healthy and rewarding.
For one thing, taking a break from an information-overloaded world may be beneficial to mental health. Also, being bored provides an opportunity to wonder and daydream – a sort of “call to adventure” that fosters curiosity and inspires new ideas. Studies have shown that daydreaming can lead to increased creativity by stimulating divergent or “outside the box” thinking. Finally, managing boredom may help children develop important executive functioning skills (planning, organization, focus, self-control). Rather than relying upon external stimuli to keep them occupied, they get an opportunity to explore their own interests, set personal “goals”, and experiment with ways to pursue them.
So, the next time your child says, “I’m bored,” just roll with it! Allow the child to be bored and see what happens. Yes, there may be a period of adjustment…but give them a chance to learn how to self-direct, to create, to daydream, and to explore possibilities!
-Dr. Katen
©2023 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
The Power of Suggestion
Words have power! The messages transmitted from a parent or teacher to a child become deeply embedded in the child’s beliefs. Essentially, words are hypnotic.
Words are hypnotic.
Hypnosis has a mysterious reputation, and one popular belief about it is entirely false: that it involves someone taking control over another’s mind. The reality is that hypnosis works only by the power of suggestion, and at no time does a hypnotized individual lose their free will. During hypnosis, an individual is eased into a state of mental receptiveness or suggestibility, and then a transformative verbal message is repeated. The goal is to program new ideas into the subconsciousness to change behavior.
The words we tell our children are hypnotic. Given their early development and the great trust they place in us as parents and teachers, children are already in a highly suggestive state. Therefore, we must be intentional with our messages. Do our words convey belief that they are good, smart, loving and capable? Or do we feed their subconscious minds with notions of naughtiness, laziness, and incompetence?
For example, halfway to school in the morning, a child says, “Oh no, I forgot my book!” As parents, we may reply: “Why are you always forgetting things? You don’t remember anything.” Or we can reply, “Well done, you remembered your book. You always remember.” Both are transformative messages conveyed in a vulnerable (suggestive) mental state. Which message would we like our children to encode?
The point to be made is simply the power of our words… As parents and teachers, we are like hypnotists, and with every statement to our children we are feeding their self-images and molding their subconscious. So be intentional with your message. Suggest only what you want the child to believe!
-Dr. Katen
©2023 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Behavior Management, Development, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Relationships, Successful Living, Teaching
The Power of Praise and Positive Reinforcement
Who doesn’t love to be recognized and praised for their accomplishments?
Genuine compliments and positive recognition improve our moods, inspire cooperation and hard work, and increase motivation. Why is this so?
Praise is contagious, builds confidence, and can inspire great things.
Scientific studies show that praise triggers the brain’s release of dopamine: a “feel good” neurotransmitter that is strongly associated with pleasure, reward, and motivation. Dopamine affects the entire body, from blood flow and digestion to memory and sleep. It also raises alertness and focus.
Here is an interesting fact: Even the anticipation of a reward raises dopamine levels. In other words, just the expectation of the feeling creates the same effect as experiencing it. Because praise feels good, people will repeat whatever action invited it. The desire for another dopamine release leads them to continue the behavior and habits that initially earned them the compliment. Thus, praise is an example of positive reinforcement – a technique for getting more of a desired behavior.
Here is another interesting fact: it’s not only those who receive praise that feel better. People who give praise also experience the feel-good effects! Sincere statements of admiration and approval benefit both the giver and receiver, making it an invaluable way to improve relationships and stimulate positive and friendly attitudes.
What we focus on, we often get more of. Praise is contagious, builds confidence, and can inspire great things. By pointing out the desired traits and the actions of others, you are guaranteed to get more of them! And along the way, you too, will feel it’s power!
When giving praise, keep in mind these six 6 tips:
1.Be sincere.
2.Be specific.
3.Be immediate.
4.Praise often.
5.Praise persistence, effort, originality, and creativity.
6.Praise to inspire.
Try these out, and as always — have fun!
Dr. Katen
- Published in Behavior Management, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Successful Living
Using Choices to Conquer the Battle of Wills
Most parents can think of a time (or many times) when they found themselves in a power struggle with their child or teen. One of the best ways to reduce these power struggles is to use choices with limits. Choices provide a sense of shared control and reduce the urge for children to grasp power wherever they can get it.
There are a few critical guidelines to ensure choices work effectively:
- Only give two choices you can live with: Do you want broccoli or carrots? Not: Do you want chocolate cake for breakfast or fruit?
Choices help diffuse the “battle of wills.”
- Avoid open-ended choices. There must be only two predetermined options: Not: What do you want for dinner? Not: “What vegetable do you want?” If the child does not choose, then you choose for him/her: “OK, carrots it is!”
- There is always an implied or unspoken request that is not a choice: You are requesting the child eat a vegetable. The choice is which one.
- Practice giving two choices throughout the day when things are going well. Make lots of choice “deposits” so you may later make a “withdrawal:” Would you like milk or water? Red cup or blue cup? Straw or no straw? Ice or no ice?
- Keep the choices age and developmentally appropriate: Children do not choose when lunch time is. They only choose if they want carrots or broccoli.
- Choices are not threats: Don’t say: Do you want to eat your carrots or go to timeout? Don’t say: “Do you want to do what I say or be grounded?”
- Give two options for all things that do not cause a problem for you. Even if the choice seems small…a little shared control goes a long way. Here are some examples: Would like to put on your PJ’s first or brush your teeth first? Would you like to set the table or take out the trash? Are you going to mow the lawn or pay someone to do it? Would you like your nightlight on or off? Radio on or off? Bedtime story or song? Blanket or sheet? Would you like to take a bath or shower? Red spoon or blue spoon? Before you take the family car, do you want to pay for the insurance deductible in one lump sum or three payments? Cash or check?
- Have fun with it. You will be surprised by how quickly giving two choices becomes just the way you communicate with your child (and maybe others in your life, too).
I have to admit I am always surprised how well this works, especially with the most strong-willed kids. And fortunately, if you forget to give a choice and find yourself in a battle of wills, you can always stop mid-battle and give a choice. Even more important than reducing power struggles, choices prepare kids for the real world. It teaches them to make decisions in their own lives and own the consequences (good or bad). Giving kids choices also sends the message that you believe they are capable of making good decisions for themselves – that’s a powerful message!
-Dr. Katen
©2022 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Behavior Management, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting
Tickling Rats
A group of scientists in Germany discovered that rats can be tickled and that they enjoy it. When tickled, the rats give off a high-pitched chirping/squeaking sound that can be heard through use of a special microphone. Their behavior and neuron activity also indicates they dig this activity.
Even more surprising, the studies revealed that the mood of the scientists affected the rats’ responses to being tickled. If a scientist was in a bad mood, the rats did not respond with the same enthusiasm.
If a scientist’s mood affects how much a rat enjoys being tickled, just imagine the impact our mood as teachers and parents on students and their learning!
If a scientist’s mood affects how much a rat enjoys being tickled, just imagine the impact our mood as teachers and parents on students and their learning!
Research has shown that emotions and moods are as contagious as cold germs! The scientific term for this phenomenon is emotional contagion (EC). Emotional Contagion is when one person’s emotions transfer to another. Anger, sadness, fear, enthusiasm, and joy are all highly contagious!
The takeaway is that your mood matters… So make it a good one! But how?
Here are for five ways to improve your mood in under 3 minutes… All you need is a mirror, a pencil, and your favorite dance song! Give them a try and see how you feel!
1. Strike the Superman Power Pose
Stand with your fists on your hips, chest out, and looking out. Hold the pose for 2-3 minutes. This pose reportedly lowers cortisol and reduces stressful feelings.
The Superman Pose
2. Heartfelt Gratitude
Put your hands over your heart, close your eyes, and think of 10 things for which you are grateful and appreciate.
3. Mirror Talk
Look at yourself in the mirror, gaze deep into your own eyes, smile, and say, “I love you, [your name]. I really, really love you.”
4. Hold a Pencil in Your Teeth
Hold a pencil with the back of your teeth for 3 minutes. This activates your smile muscles and tricks your brain into thinking you are smiling and must, therefore, be happy.
5. Dance
Put on your favorite dance song and dance like nobody is watching!
-Dr. Katen
©2022 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Behavior Management, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Relationships, Successful Living
A Feel-Good, Strengths-Based Focus on your Family Holiday Challenge!
Kids are awesome and amazing little creatures! Yet we adults often get so caught up in managing the everyday hussle, bustle, and stresses of busy lives (especially during the holidays) that we tend to get bogged down by the things that go “wrong.” As a result, we may lose sight of the positives, such as what our kids do well and what we love most about them. How often do we communicate to our children, with words and actions, how amazing, unique, and truly wonderful they are?
“Your words become their inner voice.” – Unknown
Let’s try a little exercise. Grab your phone or some scratch paper. Jot down the names of your kids, and under each name list the following:
- Your 3 favorite things about him/her.
- 2 things he/she is skilled at.
- 2 heart-warming or funny memories.
Now let’s reflect. Was this exercise easy for you, or did it force you to really dig deep? Were you smiling or laughing while you thought about your child? Does your child know that you appreciate all these things about him/her? If not, go tell ‘em!
If you already tell your kids what you love about them, keep it up! Everybody loves praise and compliments (although, ironically, most of us – and kids, especially –receive more criticism and correction). Our moods and feelings tend to follow our words and what we focus on. Feeling good is contagious. Positive feelings are central to building positive relationships, and positive relationships are the foundation of happy, healthy, and responsible kids.
Here is the Holiday Challenge:
Over the break, strive to remind your kids how awesome they are. Not only will doing so help them feel good, but this simple act of complimenting will also improve your mood and create a “ripple effect” through your family system.
In addition to your kids, you may also choose to make yourself, your spouse, or a “difficult” relative the focus of your positivity!
Hope you have a wonderful holiday season!
-Dr. Katen
©2021 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.
- Published in Behavior Management, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Successful Living
Boundaries and Behavior Management in the Classroom
- Published in Behavior Management, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Teaching