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The Power of Boredom

Tuesday, 28 March 2023 by andrew

“I’m bored.” We’ve all heard this complaint from children. What do these words mean, and what’s a helpful response?

The causes of boredom in children are many and diverse, ranging from low interest in a particular activity or subject, high energy (without knowing where to direct it), perceived lack of control in an adult-driven world, desire for novelty, anxiety, feeling under/over challenged, and attention and learning problems. While it’s no surprise that under-stimulation can lead to boredom, so can schedules that are too full and busy.  Another factor may be “screentime,” which has been linked to sleep deprivation, “trimming” of unused neural connections, and compulsive behavior driven by variable reinforcement (aka the “Vegas effect”).

Occasional boredom is not a bad thing.

But regardless of its cause, occasional boredom is not a bad thing. In fact, for children whose minds are developing, it may be especially healthy and rewarding.

For one thing, taking a break from an information-overloaded world may be beneficial to mental health. Also, being bored provides an opportunity to wonder and daydream – a sort of “call to adventure” that fosters curiosity and inspires new ideas. Studies have shown that daydreaming can lead to increased creativity by stimulating divergent or “outside the box” thinking. Finally, managing boredom may help children develop important executive functioning skills (planning, organization, focus, self-control). Rather than relying upon external stimuli to keep them occupied, they get an opportunity to explore their own interests, set personal “goals”, and experiment with ways to pursue them.

So, the next time your child says, “I’m bored,” just role with it!  Just allow the child to be bored and see what happens!  Yes, there may be a period of adjustment…but give them a chance to learn how to self-direct, to create, to daydream, and to explore possibilities!

-Dr. Katen

©2023 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.

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The Power of Praise and Positive Reinforcement

Monday, 30 January 2023 by andrew

Who doesn’t love to be recognized and praised for their accomplishments?

Genuine compliments and positive recognition improve our moods, inspire cooperation and hard work, and increase motivation. Why is this so?

Praise is contagious, builds confidence, and can inspire great things.

Scientific studies show that praise triggers the brain’s release of dopamine:  a “feel good” neurotransmitter that is strongly associated with pleasure, reward, and motivation. Dopamine affects the entire body, from blood flow and digestion to memory and sleep.  It also raises alertness and focus.

Here is an interesting fact: Even the anticipation of a reward raises dopamine levels. In other words, just the expectation of the feeling creates the same effect as experiencing it.  Because praise feels good, people will repeat whatever action invited it. The desire for another dopamine release leads them to continue the behavior and habits that initially earned them the compliment. Thus, praise is an example of positive reinforcement – a technique for getting more of a desired behavior.

Here is another interesting fact: it’s not only those who receive praise that feel better. People who give praise also experience the feel-good effects! Sincere statements of admiration and approval benefit both the giver and receiver, making it an invaluable way to improve relationships and stimulate positive and friendly attitudes.

What we focus on, we often get more of.  Praise is contagious, builds confidence, and can inspire great things.  By pointing out the desired traits and the actions of others, you are guaranteed to get more of them!  And along the way, you too, will feel it’s power!

When giving praise, keep in mind these six 6 tips:

1.Be sincere.

2.Be specific.

3.Be immediate.

4.Praise often.

5.Praise persistence, effort, originality, and creativity.

6.Praise to inspire.

Try these out, and as always — have fun!

Dr. Katen

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Using Choices to Conquer the Battle of Wills

Monday, 02 May 2022 by andrew

Most parents can think of a time (or many times) when they found themselves in a power struggle with their child or teen. One of the best ways to reduce these power struggles is to use choices with limits.  Choices provide a sense of shared control and reduce the urge for children to grasp power wherever they can get it.

There are a few critical guidelines to ensure choices work effectively:

  1. Only give two choices you can live with:  Do you want broccoli or carrots? Not: Do you want chocolate cake for breakfast or fruit?

    Choices help diffuse the “battle of wills.”

  2. Avoid open-ended choices. There must be only two predetermined options:  Not: What do you want for dinner? Not: “What vegetable do you want?” If the child does not choose, then you choose for him/her: “OK, carrots it is!”
  3. There is always an implied or unspoken request that is not a choice: You are requesting the child eat a vegetable. The choice is which one.
  4. Practice giving two choices throughout the day when things are going well. Make lots of choice “deposits” so you may later make a “withdrawal:” Would you like milk or water? Red cup or blue cup? Straw or no straw? Ice or no ice?
  5. Keep the choices age and developmentally appropriate: Children do not choose when lunch time is. They only choose if they want carrots or broccoli.
  6. Choices are not threats: Don’t say: Do you want to eat your carrots or go to timeout? Don’t say: “Do you want to do what I say or be grounded?”
  7. Give two options for all things that do not cause a problem for you. Even if the choice seems small…a little shared control goes a long way. Here are some examples: Would like to put on your PJ’s first or brush your teeth first? Would you like to set the table or take out the trash? Are you going to mow the lawn or pay someone to do it? Would you like your nightlight on or off? Radio on or off? Bedtime story or song? Blanket or sheet? Would you like to take a bath or shower? Red spoon or blue spoon? Before you take the family car, do you want to pay for the insurance deductible in one lump sum or three payments?  Cash or check?
  8. Have fun with it. You will be surprised by how quickly giving two choices becomes just the way you communicate with your child (and maybe others in your life, too).

I have to admit I am always surprised how well this works, especially with the most strong-willed kids. And fortunately, if you forget to give a choice and find yourself in a battle of wills, you can always stop mid-battle and give a choice.  Even more important than reducing power struggles, choices prepare kids for the real world. It teaches them to make decisions in their own lives and own the consequences (good or bad). Giving kids choices also sends the message that you believe they are capable of making good decisions for themselves – that’s a powerful message! 

-Dr. Katen

©2022 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.

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Tickling Rats

Monday, 04 April 2022 by andrew

A group of scientists in Germany discovered that rats can be tickled and that they enjoy it. When tickled, the rats give off a high-pitched chirping/squeaking sound that can be heard through use of a special microphone.  Their behavior and neuron activity also indicates they dig this activity.

Even more surprising, the studies revealed that the mood of the scientists affected the rats’ responses to being tickled.  If a scientist was in a bad mood, the rats did not respond with the same enthusiasm.

If a scientist’s mood affects how much a rat enjoys being tickled, just imagine the impact our mood as teachers and parents on students and their learning!

If a scientist’s mood affects how much a rat enjoys being tickled, just imagine the impact our mood as teachers and parents on students and their learning!

Research has shown that emotions and moods are as contagious as cold germs!  The scientific term for this phenomenon is emotional contagion (EC).  Emotional Contagion is when one person’s emotions transfer to another. Anger, sadness, fear, enthusiasm, and joy are all highly contagious!

The takeaway is that your mood matters… So make it a good one!  But how?

Here are for five ways to improve your mood in under 3 minutes… All you need is a mirror, a pencil, and your favorite dance song!  Give them a try and see how you feel!

1. Strike the Superman Power Pose

Stand with your fists on your hips, chest out, and looking out.  Hold the pose for 2-3 minutes.  This pose reportedly lowers cortisol and reduces stressful feelings.

The Superman Pose

2. Heartfelt Gratitude

Put your hands over your heart, close your eyes, and think of 10 things for which you are grateful and appreciate.

3. Mirror Talk

Look at yourself in the mirror, gaze deep into your own eyes, smile, and say, “I love you, [your name]. I really, really love you.”

4. Hold a Pencil in Your Teeth

Hold a pencil with the back of your teeth for 3 minutes. This activates your smile muscles and tricks your brain into thinking you are smiling and must, therefore, be happy.

5. Dance

Put on your favorite dance song and dance like nobody is watching!

-Dr. Katen

©2022 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.

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Kids Stop Asking Questions

Wednesday, 16 March 2022 by andrew

Young children ask hundreds of questions every day.  Research suggests that by adolescence, the number of questions per day drops to about three.  There are lots of ideas about why this decline occurs, including both reasons of nature (i.e., natural development) and nurture (learned behavior and life experiences). Nonetheless, it happens… Kids stop asking questions as they grow older.

A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer.” – Unknown

Will I ever run out of questions?

In this post, we continue with the topic of self-advocacy by exploring several ways to encourage kids of all ages to keep asking questions:

  1. Modify your own responses. Intentionally reply in ways that create a safe space for more questions. Try not to answer with a quick “No!” or with dismissive statements such as “Look it up” or “Go figure it out.”  Instead, respond with reinforcing statements such as: “Great question!”  or “Tell me more about what you are thinking” or “That’s interesting, what made you think of that?”  or “You ask great questions.”  If the child answers and then asks if they are correct, avoid replying with a simple “yes” or “no.”  Instead, consider saying, “Let’s take a look…show me your thought process” or “That is not quite right, let’s look again” or “I love that you are checking in” or “that is not quite right…let me help…what questions do you have… Let’s see if we can figure out where you got off track.”
  2. Help your child see themselves as good at asking questions. Positive and prescriptive statements such as “You are such a thinker” or “I love how your mind works” or “You are so curious and ask such great questions!” are highly reinforcing and will increase the likelihood that your child will ask more questions. You probably recall from previous articles that our words inform our children’s beliefs about themselves.  Tell them they are good at asking questions, and they will see themselves as having good questions to ask.
  3. Avoid answering questions for your child. Instead, respond with statements or questions that facilitate thinking, problem-solving, and further contemplation. Imagine that you and your child are playing volleyball with a giant beach ball.  When the child asks a question, gently volley the “ball” back into their court.  Be sure your volley is supportive and not dismissive.  If you know the answer, consider responding to part of the question, and then research the topic further with your child.  For example, if the child asks why flamingo feathers are pink, you might reply, “Great question! I feel like it is either because of the bacteria in the water or because of what they eat…I can’t remember.  Let’s find out.”  Or “Oh, are you studying flamingos at school?” or “What got you thinking about pink feathers? Let’s google it…my computer or yours?”
  4. Give your undivided attention. Avoid multi-tasking or half-heartedly mumbling a response when a child asks a question. Your non-verbals are a strong reinforcer.  Let the child know their questions really matter by using your eye contact, smile, gestures, and body posture.  If you cannot stop what you are doing at the moment, be sure to circle around later when you can give your undivided attention.  It is never too late to let them know how glad you are they asked and that you want to uncover the answer together.
  5. Play games that get your child asking questions to think. My favorite is The Answer Game. You think of a question (“What was my first childhood pet?”) and then give the answer, such as “a cat.” The child must figure out the question. You can play this game verbally or on paper. Encourage your child to ask as many types of questions until they figure out the question. You can add clues or respond with  “hot/cold” responses to keep them going.   Then reverse roles and have them give an answer and you model asking good questions.  Another favorite is the 20 Questions Game.   You probably recall from previous articles that children of ALL ages learn best through play.
  6. Model curiosity and vulnerability.  Ask your child questions about their areas of interest and expertise.  Model being vulnerable and asking all kinds of questions—even if they would be considered “stupid questions.”  If your child is into LOL dolls, get curious about LOL dolls.  If they are into football, get curious about football.  If they are into poetry, get curious about poetry.  If they like a certain show, get curious about that show.  Model asking different kinds of questions to them (and in front of them).  Early on, children learn that when an adult asks them a question, there is an expected response or a “right answer.”  When we ask lots of questions, we are showing them that no one knows the answer to everything. We are modeling that it is okay not to know, and most importantly, it is okay to ask “stupid questions.”  Essentially, we are teaching them that asking questions does not make you stupid.  Rather, asking questions shows you are curious and makes you wise about many things.

-Dr. Katen

©2022 Individual Matters. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.

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  • Published in Development, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Successful Living
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The Power of Words

Thursday, 10 March 2022 by andrew

To build on the topic of self-advocating in the classroom, I thought this might be a good time to revisit the concept of The Power of Words. 

What we say and how we say it  greatly influences outcomes, relationships, and our own mental wellness.  We can harness this power by being intentional and mindful about the words we choose. Being intentional with what we say and how we say it can promote confidence, happiness, and connection, all of which are key ingredients to learning and growing as human beings.

“Words are powerful, they have the ability to create a moment and the strength to destroy it.”

1. Script:  Complement the student on doing what you want them to do even before they do it.

2. Notice: Catch them getting it right and tell them about it!  For example, as you head out to recess, tell a student. “I really loved that you asked that question today in class.”  “Thanks for speaking up in class today!  I really like when you do that!”

3. Stack the Deck: Praise at a ratio of 10:1.  Whether big or small, praise is powerful!  Children crave positive affection and a sense of being loved.  Praise is a powerful way to communicate you value and appreciate them.

4. Rewrite the Story: Change the narrative and the words to reflect what you want.  When a student says, “Wait, what did you ask me to do?”  Avoid saying, “Why weren’t you paying attention?” Instead say, “I like that you are checking back in.”  or “Way to catch that you zoned out!  I like that you are taking ownership of that!”  or “Thanks for speaking up…there may have been other students who needed it repeated, too.”  (of course, such statements may need to be said privately)

5. Speak the Alternative:  Tell them what you want, not what you don’t want.  Replace “Stop running” with “Walk next to me.”  Replace “Stop talking” with “I am announcing your assignment, please listen.”  Giving a student what to do, instead of what not to do increases compliance significantly.  It also changes your own chemical and emotional state.   For example, right now say “NO!” aloud.  Notice how you feel.  Now say “yes!” aloud.  Notice how you feel.  Your words not only impact others…your words affect your own mental state on the neurochemical level!

Give these a try!  Pick one or two strategies to implement intentionally and consistently for one week.  Hopefully, you will experience the magical power of words for not only nurturing your student’s mind but yours as well!

-Dr. Katen

©2022 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.

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Supporting Student Self-Advocacy: Five Simple Steps

Tuesday, 01 March 2022 by andrew

In a previous post, I touched on the importance of self-advocacy and how to support students with developing this skill. By “self-advocacy,” I’m referring to a student’s ability to speak up for him/herself to get a need met or problem solved at school (versus promoting personal, personal, or religious ideas or beliefs to others). In terms of school and life success, self-advocacy is inseparable from personal responsibility.

“Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself.” – Unknown

Here are five simple steps for helping students develop self-advocacy skills for school:

  • Discuss and define what it is. Make self-advocacy a regular part of classroom and home conversation. Adults can share ways they have (or have not) self-advocated in their education, jobs, and everyday lives.
  • Validate, validate, validate. Sympathy and understanding are key when responding to a self-advocating individual. Critical or belittling reactions will shut down this process.
  • Make a plan. How can a student ask for help, explanation, or permission? Is there a particularly “safe” teacher with which to begin practicing this skill? If so, communicate with them in advance. Rehearse the process at home. Then give it a try.
  • Reinforce and review. How did the self-advocacy experience go? What worked and what didn’t? How did it feel before, during, and after? Compare notes with the teacher. Also, what positive reinforcement can teachers and parents implement to help sustain this behavior in the student?
  • Return to step 1. Self-advocacy never stops. Successful individuals are continually evaluating their own strengths and weaknesses and responsibly communicating (not demanding or imposing) their needs to others.

Remember, self-advocacy is a skill. For mastery, it must be learned, practiced, and repeated!

-Dr. Katen

©2022 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.

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  • Published in Development, Dr. Katen's Blog, Healthy Living, Parenting, Self Advocacy, Successful Living
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A Feel-Good, Strengths-Based Focus on your Family Holiday Challenge!

Tuesday, 14 December 2021 by andrew

Kids are awesome and amazing little creatures! Yet we adults often get so caught up in managing the everyday hussle, bustle, and stresses of busy lives (especially during the holidays) that we tend to get bogged down by the things that go “wrong.”  As a result, we may lose sight of the positives, such as what our kids do well and what we love most about them.   How often do we communicate to our children, with words and actions, how amazing, unique, and truly wonderful they are?

“Your words become their inner voice.” – Unknown

Let’s try a little exercise.  Grab your phone or some scratch paper. Jot down the names of your kids, and under each name list the following:

  • Your 3 favorite things about him/her.
  • 2 things he/she is skilled at.
  • 2 heart-warming or funny memories.

Now let’s reflect. Was this exercise easy for you, or did it force you to really dig deep? Were you smiling or laughing while you thought about your child? Does your child know that you appreciate all these things about him/her? If not, go tell ‘em!

If you already tell your kids what you love about them, keep it up!  Everybody loves praise and compliments (although, ironically, most of us – and kids, especially –receive more criticism and correction). Our moods and feelings tend to follow our words and what we focus on.  Feeling good is contagious.  Positive feelings are central to building positive relationships, and positive relationships are the foundation of happy, healthy, and responsible kids.

Here is the Holiday Challenge:

Over the break, strive to remind your kids how awesome they are. Not only will doing so help them feel good, but this simple act of complimenting will also improve your mood and create a “ripple effect” through your family system.

In addition to your kids, you may also choose to make yourself, your spouse, or a “difficult” relative the focus of your positivity!

Hope you have a wonderful holiday season!

-Dr. Katen

©2021 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.

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Hellos and Goodbyes

Sunday, 12 December 2021 by andrew
Hellos and Goodbyes
Hellos and Goodbyes

Be intentional with your “hellos” and “goodbyes.”

Every day when I return home from work, my two adorable dogs jump around madly, wag their tails, and spin in circles until I pick them up and love on them. Then, when it is time to leave again in the morning, they walk me to the door and wag their tails goodbye.

Have you ever sat at the airport and watched family members excitedly greet their loved ones after a long trip or tearfully say goodbye as they head off to the gate?  Do you remember the first time you dropped your child off at preschool, and then later that day when you picked them up?  At drop off, maybe the hug lingered a bit longer, there were some tears, and their little hand waved in the window until they could no longer see your car driving away.  Then at pick up, they ran to you bursting with excitement saying, “Mommy, mommy, mommy!” and you held out your arms ready to be reunited after 3 long hours apart!

As I reflect on such moments, I am reminded of the power of “hellos” and “goodbyes.”  What if everywhere we went, greetings were traded with such genuine affection and love.  And then, when it was time to part, hugs lasted a little longer and there was one more, “I love you.”

Life is busy.  Wake up, eat breakfast, grab your bag, zip off to school, make it just in time…finish your day, head home, eat, go to practice, eat again, bathe, homework, bedtime, sleep…then it all starts again.  It can be hard to connect and be present when life moves fast, when there are long to-do lists, early start times, and hard deadlines.  However, no matter how busy the day, how crazy the schedule, or how stressful the week… when the ‘hellos’ and ‘goodbyes’ are solid, everything that happens in between can be managed.

This week’s challenge:  Be intentional with your “hellos” and “goodbyes.”  Greet your spouse like you used to when you first started dating. Say goodbye like they are leaving for a long trip.  Drop off and pick up your child like you did on that first day of preschool…yes, even your middle schooler!  Maybe don’t run at them with open arms and tears in your eyes…but be intentional. Be present. Be in the moment…even it it is just for a moment.

-Dr. Katen

©2021 Individual Matters, LLC. All rights reserved. Feel free to republish so long as credit is given.

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Boundaries and Behavior Management in the Classroom

Wednesday, 06 October 2021 by andrew

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